Education Minister Michael Gove has instructed OFSTED to employ members of the undead community to frighten the shit out of teaching staff more effectively. Under the guise of raising the standards of education in England, OFSTED has been terrifying teachers, heads and school governors since 1984. But now, apparently inspired by a typo on a Guardian website which dubbed Gove the ‘Education Sinister’, he has tasked OFSTED to shred more than just education workers’ nerves, targets and lesson plans. Zombies will be employed as OFSTED inspectors to shred teachers’ flesh too.
Teaching unions have expressed their horror at the plans. Christine Blower of the National Union of Teachers said, ‘Schoolteachers are already full of dread about a visit from OFSTED inspectors, but this is truly a frightening development. The Education Sinister is exactly the right title for the man we previously knew as A Crazy Little Thing Called Gove.’
A smiling Gove described the unions’ stance as ‘helpfully scaremongering’ and defended the initiative. ‘In order to dispel accusations that OFSTED is in any way politically motivated, we need to get back to OFSTED’s original values, motives and objectives’, he explained. ‘OFSTED was introduced with the primary aim of frightening teachers, and inspections were specifically designed to completely disrupt schools. It therefore makes perfect sense for OFSTED to use hordes of flesh-eating zombies as school inspectors.’
OFSTED has often faced criticism that it is just the activist wing of the Department of Education. From the gathering of data to support the introduction of league tables under the Conservatives, to the focus on social inclusion, whole child education, pastoral care policies and other namby-pamby bollocks under Labour, OFSTED has frequently been accused of acting in the interests of the Government. But Gove is keen that OFSTED’s forthcoming enthusiastic support for Academies and Free Schools is not seen as being driven by Government policy.
‘The new undead school inspectors will be specifically selected to be as terrifying and as disruptive as possible to reflect the new OFSTED emphasis on doing what it does best,’ he said. ‘Although it's true that any fully-qualified education worker with a living, thinking, caring brain will be more susceptible to attack by the OFSTED zombies.’
Hat-tips aplenty, eg rickwestwell for the Guardian typo and Sinnick for the Crazy Little Thing Called Gove line