Scotland is counting the cost of losing one of its top tourist attractions following the eviction of the Loch Ness Monster from its 64-million year old home after it repeatedly failed to pay its mortgage over the last twelve months.
In an interview given shortly before the eviction, the monster said, "Grrrraaaaaaaggghhhggaagghggghhhhhaaaahhhhh!" which experts say translates roughly as "I always found it difficult to get down to the bank and get the mortgage paid. The facilities for aquatic, prehistoric reptiles here are just awful but I was always able to manage somehow. Then they closed down my local branch and the next nearest bank was in Fort William and it was just impossible for me to belly flop all the way there to keep up the payments. I managed to make it to the side of the road and tried to hitch-hike, but was hampered by both my terrifying appearance and my lack of thumbs so people just drove past me, generally at high speed."
As a result of the eviction, the monster is no longer able to reside in its spacious former surroundings and has had to swap its 22-mile long lake for more meagre accommodation.
The Basildon Council Duck Pond Monster, as it must now legally be called, has caused quite a stir in its new surroundings, with the two elderly grebes who had quietly inhabited the pond for the previous ten years now spending most of their time glaring suspiciously at the eighty-foot long plesiosaur that has been forced to take up residence alongside them.