I arrived here a short while ago, only to find absolute chaos. Papers everywhere, recreational phone hacking, and blasé stationery cupboard pilfering.
Now that the lawsuits have been shredded and all ‘kick me’ post-its have been appropriately reassigned, I’ve been focussing my efforts on working towards a better world. A world where the Writer of the Month post doesn’t include the word ‘belated’. We’re not quite there yet though, so here are the belated 2013 awards!
August’s winner was Wrenfoe, with the inspired ‘Robert Mugabe declares himself the new Doctor Who’. It’s been consistently hovering near the top of the ratings board ever since, and it therefore it's only a matter of time until Peter Capaldi takes to the media to convince ‘Whovians’ that he isn’t Mugabe in disguise.
The runners up were: Ludicity (Tesco self-scan machine develops consciousness, and British intelligence launch subscription service, GCHQ+), Wrenfoe (Scientists reveal world’s first lab grown footballer) and Jesus H (Retailers hit back at annoying shoppers with launch of RateThatCustomer.com).
The winner of the September award was Bonjonelson, for the very funny -and probably medically accurate- ‘Homeopathic medicines ‘proved to work’, if repeatedly diluted in codeine’.
Runners up this month were: Suki43 (Britain’s last soldier votes no to go to Syria), Jesus H (iphone user has out of phone experience in between operating systems), Titus (Safety experts baffled by 100-car motorway pile up) and Ludicity (Daily Mail website to be given moral panic button).
An enthusiastic round of one handed applause, goes to October’s writer of the month TobiasBV for the brilliant ‘Amateur performers botch up John Cage’s 4’ 33’’ ’.
This month’s runners up were: Jesus H (Spain snaps-up disused ‘Go home vans’ to rid Costa Del Sol of ‘annoying English’), ianslat (Miliband row worsens as Daily Mail reveals Ed’s aunt ‘failed to watch boat race’), Ludicity (Daily Mail and Guardian merge to create new Moral Guardian paper) and Suki 43 (Boeing Dreamliner reaches destination without incident).
November’s winner was esteemed NewsBiscuit veteran, Ludicity with ‘All benefits must be collected from top of mountain says Iain Duncan Smith’.
Runners up include: Jesus H (Tesco face scanners criticised for brutal honesty and lack of tact and Customers who know the phonetic alphabet ‘not impressive so please stop it’ say call centres), Oxbridge(Woman rescued from house after 20 years of ‘being taken for granted’) and Blokefromstoke (Manager at Powerpoint presentation says ‘Robust’ and ‘Rigorous’ once too often. Bludgeoned.)
And finally for 2013, we have December’s award which goes to jamsieoconnor for the brilliant ‘Scotland’s future uncertain after border with England stolen’.
This month’s runners up were: apepper (Druids working round the clock to restore ley lines), Irreverend J - from original by Titus with contribution by Blokefromstoke (Christmas family row starts early in North Korea), Jesus H (‘I hate Christmas it’s so expensive’ says woman queuing outside Next at 5am) and Oxbridge (Mail Exclusive: Fury as lefties mourn dead foreign terrorist).
And now for modern times,
January 2014’s winner is the brilliant Oxbridge, with ‘Bayeux tapestry contains world’s first photobomb’ proving that the NewsBiscuit readership isn’t just about the tits and 50p holidays.
Runners up: Collaboration from KateWritesStuff and Jesus H (Candy Crush addict admits selling body online for extra lives) but wanting to do things properly, Jesus H also dominates the rest of the runner up slots for January (‘Immigrants get it too easy’ says man after having personal debts written off, Well-off housewives slam Benefits Street claimants as downright lazy and LinkedIn launch dedicated network for the jobless - ‘AlwaysIn’). A sterling effort, in pursuit of a NewsBiscuit mug.
Speaking of the coveted mug, this has been the Writer of the Month prize in the past so would you like to continue tradition, or do you have any suggestions for an alternative?
A massive well done to all of you!