Health was today thrust firmly to the forefront of the campaign for Scottish Independence by SNP leader Alex Salmond. In a press conference at a chip shop in Glasgow he announced that as soon Scotland is independent he will improve the diet of the Scottish population overnight.
Mr Salmond announced plans to improve the diet of the average Scot by reclassifying many different foodstuffs as healthy and part of the recommended five a day fruit and vegetable intake. ‘Why should chips be looked down upon? Chips are made from potatoes and potatoes are vegetables’ explained the SNP leader. He then went on to give a long list of food and drink, which would be deemed as healthy in an independent Scotland. Chocolate is made from cocoa beans and they are defiantly vegetables explained Mr Salmond likewise coffee is made from a bean and will be reclassified as part of your five a day.
Just think in an independent Scotland we will be able to eat as many deep fried Mars bars as we want, just so long as they are fried in vegetable oil and not animal fat. Beer is made from hops, wine from grapes and cider from apples so these will be reclassified as well. Whiskey our national drink is made from barley, rye, wheat, buckwheat and corn all vegetables, we will be able to drink ourselves healthy in an independent Scotland.
But Mr Salmond isn’t stopping at just food and drink ‘cigarettes are made from tobacco leaves and you can't get more vegetable than a leaf can you, we are even planning to legalize cannabis, cocaine and heroin all made from vegetable matter. After all, if we win the referendum on Scottish independence most people up here will probably want to be off their heads on drugs to take their minds of the complete cock up we are bound to make of everything’.