In a new wave of sweeping educational change, pupils' timetables will be expected to mirror a normal working day in preparation for life after school. Starting at 8:30am, pupils as young as five will come into the classroom and have 'fannying around time' for 20 minutes, preparing hot beverages, putting papers into piles and discussing the previous night's episode of 'Embarrassing Bodies'.
The rest of the morning will then be spent on social media, alongside a rigorous schedule of 'how to quickly close a tab and return to your spreadsheet' training.
Twice a week, pupils will be allowed a lunch break, consisting of half a packet of hob nobs and a can of Pepsi, with additional support for removing crumbs from the computer keyboard. For the gifted and talented students, there will be booster lessons teaching them how to cope with IT help desks without crying.
The school day will end at 6pm, enabling students to gain valuable experience working an exhaustingly long day for no money.
Education Secretary, Michael Gove, said: 'Children leave school with little idea of what the real world of employment is like. We hope that by starting them young, there will be no surprises. Of course, we will also be teaching them English and maths, but this will be in the context of the real world. For example, reading and comprehension tests will be based upon Ofsted reports, and the difference between fact and fiction; and maths will be taught by unpicking the financial discrepancies in their school's academy trust's accounts.
'We are certain that this new schedule will improve their ability to cope in the work environment, and make them more employable.'
These changes will initially be introduced into state schools, but phase two will encompass the private sector, with a heavier emphasis on entitlement, privilege and champagne lunches.