Russian President Vladimir Putin was arrested yesterday in Moscow’s famous gay nightclub, The Lubyanka Building on charges of "Grinding a Homosexual". The case was swiftly moved to the Supreme Court of Russia and at 1pm local time, Vladmir Vladimirovich Putin pleaded guilty to 54 separate charges.
In his defence he explained his rationale was to cure ab-normo-sexualism [sic]. This, under the Putin Regime refers to any non-Christian, non-Heterosexual residing in Russia, and later the world, and will also later include any other faction of society yet deemed to be included in the aforementioned term.
Upon further questioning he explained after spending 1.6 trillion GBP (roughly 25% more than the entire GDP of Mother Russia), his researchers discovered that they could cure peanut allergies with peanuts. Trace amounts of peanuts entered into a person’s diet could cure a nut allergy. Using this break-through in modern science, Putin surmised he could cure abnormosexuals using the same method.
He proceeded to a nearby gay nightclub where he took out his mace and began to grind half the room into a tiny pulp, he then force fed the other half of the room the ground up pulp. One of the nightclub goers who survived the ordeal was later taken to a nearby hospital for abdominal pains, although it's uncertain at this time whether that was in direct relation to the incident.
Despite his gruesome antics and clear admission of guilt, Putin was found innocent. The Russian Judge went on further to suggest the Olympic Committee should provide additional funding to clean up the nightclub, this was immediately agreed and the additional £100 million was transferred to the Russian purse as the hammer fell.
Afterwards the Judge questioned the relevancy of peanuts to non-Christian, non-Heterosexuals and it was discovered Putin deemed any female with a nut allergy as an abnormosexual.