As the prospect of Scottish Independence approaches, UN officials have warned of a ‘flood of dispossessed anglophiles’ pouring over Hadrian’s Wall in search of ‘tepid’ beer, cricketing ‘humiliation’ and a ‘cornucopia’ of socially awkward moments. Despite millions of Syrians made homeless through civil war, President Assad has offered a ‘safe haven’ for those Scots fleeing the oppressive yoke of Alex Salmond, ‘Neds’ on buckfast and a History curriculum written by Mel Gibson.
Representatives of the Red Cross have confirmed that with the Deputy Prime Minister (Nick Clegg) keen to offer temporary asylum to Syrian refugees, this should free up valuable land in Syria for deserting Scots. One official said: ‘Yes, frequent mortar fire has left a pock-marked wilderness, devoid of infrastructure, but that can’t be any worse than Springburn in Glasgow? A temporary visa to a warzone will be like getting the night bus to the Gorbals.’
While Mr. Clegg said Britain had a ‘long and proud tradition of providing refuge’, there was no way the North England could cope with the scale of the exodus. A coalition spokesman confirmed that Syria was the only viable option for ‘homeless Jocks’; otherwise the only other humane option would be for veterinary surgeons to put ‘unwanted Scottish relatives to sleep’.
Never one to miss an opportunity, the Scottish First Minister has already offered currency union between the Scottish and Syrian pound. In response a spokesman for the Syrian People’s Council said: ‘We may be a corrupt, immoral and dangerously unstable regime, hell bent on genocide but we are not insane!’