Britain to host 2018 'Dry Slope' Olympics
Great Britain is to host the world’s first Winter Olympics featuring a total lack of snow or ice in just over four years time, according to reports. Despite one of the mildest winters in record, preparations are already advanced with the British undaunted by the challenges posed by Climate Change and a lack of noticeable mountains taller than 1400 metres.
Fans of driving sleet and flooding, will notice that some minor amendments have been necessary to existing events. Snowboarding is now called “Boarding”, while Ice hockey has been rebranded “Hockey”.
Chief among the attractions is the Bobsleigh event, with competitors licking their lips at the prospect of several hundred metres of poorly-lit brick tunnels made to look cute with icing sugar. However, this barely compares with the Mens’ 5000 metre luge, which contains some of the most challenging asphalt this side of The Urals.
Although the faces of the critics are numerous, a host of illustrious names from the skiing world are already queuing up to pit their wits against the notoriously hazardous dry slopes of Bracknell, Kent and Southampton.
‘You might think you’re some kind of ‘fancy pants’ hurtling down an alpine glacier at 200mph,” said Games Organiser Eddie “The Eagle” Edwards, “but you ain’t shit until you’ve come a cropper on a dry slope and spent several days in a High Dependency Unit with 100 percent friction burns. “
Edwards, meanwhile, conceded that Bracknell’s 200 metre Downhill Slalom is “not yet ready”, after it emerged that the section known as “off-piste” is actually a car park bordered by a Tesco Homebase. Experts are at pains to point out that such inconveniences are unlikely to put off the Austrians.
Last night “The Eagle” reminded everyone that the Games are open to athletes from all sexualities and genders: “If you’re a male competitor who expresses an interest in Contemporary Dance, you won’t be spat at and thrown into a cell like you will in Sochi,” he told us.
“And let me reassure you that safety is of primary concern in all our undertakings. The only way you’ll end up in a coma from any of our events is by watching the recorded highlights.”