Plagued by fear that parts of his bath towel that had come into contact with his genitals might the next day come into contact with his face, New York designer Adam Ross invented the True Clean towel. The towel is printed with the outline of a human body, in the same style commonly used on signs to identify the Men's lavatory. The bather then uses specific sections of the towel to dry the corresponding body part. With this system, the same part of the towel is used to dry the genitals after each bath and the attentive bather is in no danger of ever touching his face with that portion of the towel.
The concept is based on the homophobic theory of "second-hand dick," the act of being touched by something that itself had previously touched a penis. In the True Clean video The Daily Routine, a bather finishes his shower and then dries off using an oversized pair of hairy testicles. He lovingly wipes the testicles all over his face, then picks a stray pubic hair out of his teeth. Predictably, the video awoke the homophobic community to the possibility of self-inflicted second-hand dick. Prior to the emergence of the True Clean towel on the retail market, touching one's own penis was not considered to be a homosexual act, except in cases of self-fellatio. But The Daily Routine video single-handedly established self-inflicted second-hand dick as a real and present danger to homophobes world-wide.
Success was inevitable. The video went viral, taking towel sales with it. But a year after the True clean towel came to market, sales began to mysteriously spike. Investigation soon revealed that the video and towel had become a surprise hit with gay men world-wide. Brad, a happy customer, explains.
"My partner George is up and out of the house before I am out of bed. When I saw the True Clean ad, I realized I could be rubbing George's testicles all over my face each morning. Not his actual testicles mind you, but the next best thing. I knew I had to have that towel and I made George post about it on Facebook."
The rest, as they say, is history. Sales to gay men now outnumber sales to homophobic men at a rate of 8 to 1. Despite the sudden windfall, inventor Adam Ross became profoundly depressed. He agreed to meet with us in his therapist's office to explain.
"I invented this great thing that was supposed to raise homophobia to new heights," he said between sobs. "My True Clean towel was going to set gay rights back a thousand years. But now the homophobic community hates me. I'm not even welcome at my church anymore."
Shortly after our interview, Mr. Ross was placed on suicide watch. His family has requested that sympathetic homophobes send pictures of themselves using the True Clean towel in the shower to cheer him up.