... says an official report.
"There was a time when Britain could hold its head up high as the country with some of the world's most industrious, innovative and successful criminals" said a spokesman. "But it's never been the same since Ronnie Biggs pegged out."
To combat this decline, the government has opened new, heavily-funded criminal training centres, one of the largest of these being at Oakwood.
[Hat tip to James Pluside]