Labour leader Ed Milliband has given a pre-election pledge to replace failing high street banks with bouncy castles and to give all labour voters a "big bag of sweeties". The announcement came hard on the heels of Chancellor George Osborne's call for the hourly minimum wage to be increased to £7.00 and a puppy.
In what are seen as the opening salvos of the 2015 election campaign, Mr Osborne also promised to take marginal voters for a Happy Meal next weekend and their pick of Despicable Me action figures. When pressed on his earlier (as yet unfulfilled) pledge to take voters to see the Hobbit 2 and get them those 3d specs, Mr Osborne shuffled uncomfortably and said that voters in safe Tory seats were "Giving him grief and that."
Mr Milliband, meanwhile has promised voters that Eurodisney in April "is definitely on". Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls has also promised voters that they can have ONE free pick out of his Fifa coins if they PROMISE to be his mate.
Earlier, secretary of State for Work and Pensions Ian Duncan-Smith was due to outline plans to have unemployment benefit delivered by Clowns on Unicycles but missed a scheduled press conference to spend time sitting halfway up the stairs rocking gently and talking to a teddy bear called Mr Snuffles.
Challenged on allegations that the recent flurry of new proposals and pledges were merely "Cheap dog-whistle politics and cynical pre-electioneering" Mr Milliband cocked his head to one side and looked at lobby correspondents with those great big soulful eyes which just make you think that sometimes he understands everything you say.
Mr Milliband was later reported to be having a "good old run" on Stephens Green. Mr Duncan-Smith was reported to be accidentally locked in the stair cupboiard.