Waterstones have today announced that pre-orders for the hotly anticipated manual, Teaching: Everything I know, have been spiraling into negative figures.
The instruction manual, penned by education minister Michael Gove, is based on occasional publicity stunt classroom visits, and peppered with his own personal opinion.
‘We just can’t cope with the violent lack of demand’ said bookseller Sharon Turnpike, 42 from Doncaster. ‘I’ve been on the phones all day taking requests from teachers wishing to preemptively return the copies, which they’re sure will be gifted to them by well meaning-but-dim relatives in 2014.
‘I haven’t seen a book this unpopular, since the publication of Richard Madeley’s autobiography.’ puzzled Sharon, ‘and yet strangely the reviews on the cover sleeve are glowing! Michelle Glove and Mickey Grove both describe it as ‘revolutionary’ and maths teacher Mike Groove claims that the effectiveness of his teaching increased by 113% more effective after skimming the first page! I really can’t understand it.’
The informative read includes a section on the history of WWI, with Gove detailing the catalyst to be a man named ‘Arty Uke shooting an Ostrich because he was slightly peckish’. He also strongly advises teachers against using the BBC comedy Blackadder as a lesson aid, ‘because as we all know, Mr Bean and that guy from Time Team are idiots.’
Thomas Higgins -a representative from Islington Books who specialise in the publication of contemporary MP’s fiction- also expressed his dismay. ‘None of us could have predicted this unfortunate turn of events, and it really is a shame.
‘Especially since this was the first of a planned series. Bookshelves no longer have Midwifery and Me by Jeremy Hunt to look forward to in 2015, and Nick Clegg has been working on a submission that probably won’t see the light of day either. It’s my personal favourite, Making the Perfect Latte: Just how Dave Likes it’