Archaeologists carrying out a routine survey of a cave system in the Dordogne have been stunned by a find that pushes the recorded history of onanism back to over 90,000 years ago. Examining a previously ignored alcove, the dig team have been able to confirm that two sets of sexually-explicit cave-art illustrations, executed on a number of slate panels, were found in a niche below what they believe to be a sleeping area used by adolescent males.
The first set of images appear to have been executed to a very high quality - even graphic - but there were signs of extensive wear and tear on some of the slates, evidence that these pictures have been well-thumbed, possibly by many generations of teenaged troglodytes. A second set of illustrations, executed in a much cruder style, has recently been interpreted as the Stone Age equivalent of the Readers Wives section.
Along with these tablets were found a number of pieces of ossified fabric : these were initially thought to be naturally calcified, but may well be evidence of the worlds earliest "wank-sock".
Robert McGinnis, dig leader and newly appointed Reader in the recently created discipline of Porno-Archaeology, believes these objects to be 'hugely significant'.
'These images show a elegant style of artistic depiction far in advance of anything else we have seen from the same period. The figures appear to almost leap off the page, and in some instances have been enhanced by an early form of bas-relief. Incredible"
"From a linguistic development view , this find also points to a far more sophisticated language structure than we have previously believed paleolithic man to be capable of : it also hints that the rudiments of written communication were already commonplace within this community. It's just a pity that the message was "Doing it mammoth-style"'