In a controversial ruling, no-nonsense cop “Dirty” Harry Callahan walked free from a federal court yesterday after a jury acquitted him of the “targeted hits” of lowlife good-for-nothing punks.
The hard-bitten San Francisco detective was charged after it emerged that some of his victims may have been unarmed when he blew them away. Among the most serious allegations were that he failed to follow proper procedures when apprehending criminals, merely asking them whether they ‘felt lucky’ prior to pumping them full of lead.
Particular scrutiny has fallen on Callahan’s assassination of “Scorpio”, a sadistic serial killer who was also a bit racist. Footage available in both DVD and Blu-Ray formats reveals that Scorpio’s shotgun was several inches away from his right hand when Callahan fired off several rounds into his abdomen. Over half a billion witnesses have since testified that the killer was indeed unarmed when shot by Callahan, although he was obviously a nasty fucker.
In his defence, Callahan lawyers maintained that in all the confusion their client “kinda lost track of himself” and couldn’t be sure whether his .44 Magnum was loaded. Although later under oath, “Dirty” admitted that his gun was brand spanking new and that he had a “seriously itchy finger”.
‘Having identified Scorpio as a bad man and feeling rather threatened, Callahan did what any normal trigger-happy cop would have done under the circumstances’ said Jim Walters of the Independent Police Complaints Commission. ‘Scorpio was a mad bastard. You only have to look at his Facebook page.’
Last night Callahan held out an olive branch to those affected by his indiscriminate slaughter and agreed to meet briefly with his victims’ families, including Scorpio’s mother who ain’t nothin’ but a goddamn two-bit whore.
‘My Scorpy never stood a chance,’ sobbed Scorpio’s mother outside the San Francisco High Court. ‘The .44 Magnum, as everyone knows, is the most powerful handgun in the world.’