Professional athlete Wayne Burgess, 27, was today recovering in hospital after collapsing with a rare case of schloerosis, brought on by overdosing on alcohol-free drinks. Burgess had mistakenly signed up to participate in Cancer Research UK's "Dry-Athlon" which encourages fundraisers to stay off alcohol for January in exchange for charity donations from friends.
"I was at a New Years eve party getting well bladdered, man, when this well fit ho comes up an gets me to sign this form an I fort she said it was to do a triafflon, innit? I mean I can easily do like a 3.8 kilometers swim, 180.2 kilometers bike ride, and a 42.2 kilometer run. No probs right?" But it was in the cold grey light of New Year's Day when a massively hungover Burgess realised his dreadful mistake. "I was, like, no way man! I can't believe this! You mean I got to go a whole munff wivout alcohol?"
Not wishing to lose face, the athlete rose to the challenge. Buying himself a "No beer here" T-shirt and a "No wine in mine" teacup he resolutely bored his friends rigid by refusing drinks for the first two weeks of January. Then disaster struck. On the night of 14th January Wayne was at a mate's stag night. The best man challenged him to down six pints of alcohol free beer, followed by 6 shots of red bull, followed by a cocktail of organic beetroot juice, blueberry punch, dandelion and burdock cordial and raspberry fizz. It was all too much and the emergency services had to be called as Burgess collapsed with severe alcohol withdrawal symptoms. A hospital spokesman said the athlete was on a vodka drip and should make a full recovery.