You should see some of the crumpet over here, French president Francois Hollande insisted today.
Hollande, who has been nicknamed “Shagger” by fellow EU leaders, claims that Anglo Saxon women are a bit uptight, but you’re guaranteed a good time the other side of Le Manche.
When pressed by Le Monde journalist, Marie France, as to the nature of his relationship with actress Julie Gayet, Hollande winked and made a crude circle using his forefinger and thumb, before repeatedly prodding it with his other forefinger. Hollande added ‘What’s your name again love? I’ll see you after the conference eh?’
‘Ow you say – ding dong!’ he confirmed.
Hollande raised eyebrows after the conference dinner by loudly informing David Cameron that one of his prime motivations for redistributing wealth was so that poor chicks can afford nice dresses. Meanwhile, Valerie Trierweiler, Mr Hollande's partner, has been in hospital since Friday with "shock" after realising how much tax she pays.
The French leader has vowed to seek treatment at a Paris clinic for sex addicts, but faces a three-year waiting list. Last night he blamed his libido on too many croissants.
Many in France are now voicing their doubts as to whether Hollande is fit to govern, after it was revealed that he brought the world to within five minutes of destruction last week after mistaking the nuclear button for his lover’s clitoris.