As austerity measures continue to pinch, the Royal Bank of Scotland (RBS) is concerned that shareholders may not approve a penurious 200% bonus for their frugal staff. Forced to choose between the Chateau Filhout 47 or the Chateau Suau 45, many bankers will be turning to short-term borrowing to cover their bonuses, fund their nights out with Paul Flowers and keep their ‘pool boy’ in the lifestyle he deserves.
While 2% of homeowners rely on payday loans to cover mortgage payment, mortgage lenders are having to ‘downsize’ their yachts, buy their truffles from Lidl and ‘peel the gold plating’ off of their hot tubs. A spokesmen for the charity Shelter urged people struggling with housing costs to consider the plight of bankers forced to rent out their third home: ‘Mortgage arrears is one thing, but no one should be obliged to look for discount skiing holidays’.
One RBS executive confessed to being too ashamed to borrow money from the International Monetary Fund, ask Bill Gates for an overdraft or search for bitcoins ‘down the back of the sofa’. ‘House prices may have risen by 8.4% last year, but the cost of breaking international sanctions has almost doubled – which makes it very hard for us to make ends meet,’ explained the executive. ‘Without George Osborne agreeing to double our bonus cap, RBS may be compelled to return to what we do best – investing in animal cruelty , funding environmental disasters and libor-rigging’.
Fewer than 100 investment bankers will be affected by the RBS bonus decision but the cost in lost golf club membership is substantial. As one banker complained: ‘Payday loans are the only way we can get the bonuses we so clearly deserve. If only there existed some sort of high street institution that provided manageable borrowing and fiscal responsibility...hmmm....wait a minute – hold on...I’ve got it! Greggs Bakeries do loans, right?’