Aliens from the planet Gthargadrax in the Andromeda galaxy 2.5 million light years from Earth have admitted defeat in their attempts to interact with and breed from human beings. The news came after a failed programme of Earth landings and attempts to give Galatea, a leggy blonde alien with lime-green skin, mind-blowingly good sex with a series of lonely middle-aged American men.
'We came in peace,' said programme manager Xeropos, 524, 'but lets face it, we failed. If we can't get Galatea pregnant by beaming up every semi-evolved misfit in Nebraska to have the old conjugals with her over the course of 30 years, it obviously isn't meant to be. I don't think we even convinced most of you that we were ever even there.'
Between 1955 and 1985, a series of Gthargadraxian craft arrived on Earth after multi-million year voyages, having breeding through an average of 77,800 generations en route to produce the hottest females in the galaxy. Once they had landed, usually at night in deserted woodlands in the quietest backwaters of the US, an archetypal lone human male was selected for cross-breeding.
After this part of the programme was abandoned in 1985, the Gthargadraxians shifted the emphasis by landing in a narrowly defined and more heavily populated area of central Scotland in a bid to earn more recognition. However, this was an even more embarrassing flop.
'Communication was never a problem in the mid-West, as US English is the language of the Universe and we have gigantic brains that are meant to capable of translating every nuance of every form of communication,' said Xeropos. 'But in Falkirk we still couldn't understand a bloody word they were saying.'
The Gthargadraxian fleet is now mustering around Saturn to prepare for the long journey home, which they hope their 77,798 greats grandchildren might complete before the two stars around their planet implode. Xeropos admits to some regrets.
'With hindsight, some might say that landing in the middle of nowhere in America, going up to the first alcoholic inbred we met and asking him to take us to his leader wasn't the best way of going about things,' he said. 'But to be fair, until recently going straight to the top would have amounted to much the same thing.'