Police officers in London are to be nicer on Tuesdays, Scotland Yard has announced. "We'll not be murdering newsvendors, perverting the course of justice, leaking news to tabloids for money or tampering with evidence and we'll keep institutional racism to the absoloute minimum necessary on Tuesdays," annouced Head of Met PR Beryl Smithers, at a press conference. "To put it another way, if you see a police officer smiling or telling the time to a member of the public without justifiably arresting him or her for offences under the Terrorism Act, you'll know it's a Tuesday."
But she reminded the media that Rome wasn't built in a day. "We'll be rolling out these initiatives starting Tuesday week, and by the end of 2015 we could extend to Wednesday mornings, taking into account early closing. However we will have to take into consideration dwindling funds caused by Andrew Mitchell. But it's a start."
Responding to the criticism over the Plebgate affair, Ms Smithers said the officer who pleaded guilty to fabricating evidence "is the exception rather than the rule." Kevin Wallis, she said, was also under investigation for taking part in the murders of Ian Tomlinson, Stephen Lawrence, Mark Duggan, Julius Caesar and other yet-to-be murdered victims. "Mr Wallis also is implicated in accepting payoffs from News International and, while acting undercover, not looking scruffy enough."
She continued: " There is always one rotten apple in the barrel, as Scotland Yard catering staff know all too well. On these special Tuesdays we are now planning to give out all the nice apples to people on London's streets. And when, on those rare occasions, we do encounter the aforesaid rotten apple, make no bones about it, we will have specially trained officers publicly truncheon-puree it in a symbolic display of anger and shame. And we will give the resulting compote to charity. Fruit with any imperfection has no place in the Metropolitan Police Barrel. In fact, how about this, we will call the initiative "Operation Barrel" and roll out the barrel initiative on Tuesday week for the TV cameras. On other weekdays, officers and suspects will continue to do the controversial and dangerous Lambeth Walk, which traditionally takes place down the back steps of Brixton Police Station."
Closing the press conference, Ms Smithers enthusiastically suggested journalists should accompany her "down the Strand" but rejected claims she had tried to bribe them with tropical fruit.