An overwhelming sense of joy tinged with relief filled the famine struck village of Jiptoko in east Africa today as news reached its starving residents that American astronomers have been able to measure the universe to an accuracy of 1%.
This staggeringly precise survey - across six billion light-years - is key to mapping the cosmos and determining the nature of dark energy, as well as everything else that has absolutely nothing to do with the day-to-day life of your average earthly being.
As the humanitarian aid workers in Jiptoko delivered the revelation however, many villagers were left visibly moved with some even collapsing with presumed excitement.
Ogbo Chiptutu, a 27-year-old mother of 3 gave her reaction while tending her youngest son Jobo as he lie emaciated seemingly moments from death: "This is fantastic. We all know that what goes on trillions of light years away profoundly affects us here on this little rock. Jobo often dreamt about the stars and space, and how a solution to our plight might lie out there in the big beyond. And to know that it's now possible to accurately define the dimensions of our universe and its galaxies and the distance between them means we are that bit closer to realising his dream.”
As Jobo took his final breath, his mother ran her hand over his face to close his eyes and added: “We'll definitely be celebrating these wondrous tidings tonight"