The embattled Manchester United manager is now convinced that he has inadvertently become imbued with psychokinetic power. He has reportedly claimed that his ‘unlucky’ start to the season is the cause of recent adverse climate change; in the same way that England’s cricket team are to blame for the ‘collapse of Western civilization’.
While it is well know that his predecessor, Alex Ferguson, could change time at will, fans are worried that Moyes is becoming increasingly paranoid. A Man Utd spokesman confirmed: ‘David has instructed his players to avoid walking under ladders, set pieces and has told Wayne Rooney to stop breaking mirrors. He has banned from Old Trafford all referees, black cats and the shaving of Ryan Giggs’ palms’.
On the training ground Mr. Moyes has been seen wearing a tin foil hat and is regularly heard apologising for gusts of wind, any drop in temperature and the signing of Marouane Fellaini. One eminent psychologist said: ‘It is not unheard of for those with a bunker mentality to develop delusions of grandeur, even flights of fantasy. Hitler thought he could juggle, Donald Trump thought he could turn a merkin into a toupee and Ed Miliband thought he could organize a piss up in a brewery.’