In what is seen as a callous attempt to gain world approval for the Winter Olympic Games in Sochi following criticism of its anti-gay legislation, Russia has put forward gay-snow-balling and pillow-fighting-on-ice as new Winter Olympic disciplines.
The Russian leader, Vladimir Putin personally approved the new disciplines at the International Defence Exhibition in Yalta. Sitting bare chested and astride the nozzle of an OT-3 flame throwing tank he said, “Russia is not a homo-phobic country. Just look at the Gulags where many gay people enjoy snow-balling and frolicking around in temperatures of -40C. Gay snow balling will be a big attraction in Sochi too, however the use of ear muffs and mittens is out of the question.”
Pillow-fighting-on-ice was approved ahead of chase-me-downhill-skiing and gay-curling. Both were considered by the Russian leader to be too stereotypical and a little 'in your face' for Russian sensibilities.
It has also been announced that a special section of the Olympic Village is to be modelled on Manchester’s Canal Street to make gay athletes feel even more at home. It will feature drunken hen parties, rent boys, discarded chip paper and the odd waft of amyl nitrate to give it even more authenticity.
“My favourite bar in Manchester is Cruz 101,” said the Russian leader “and I will personally be cutting the pink ribbon at the opening of the Russian version in Sochi - Cruz Missile 69.”
However there is still scepticism from international commentators and athletes alike. Maria Miller, Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport said, “Whilst it is encouraging to see Mr Putin taking a stance like this we are still suspicious of why he is trying so hard to bend over backwards.”