Conservative think tanks have reached the conclusion that Britain could be purged of an unwanted 95% of the population, if we only we embraced the ‘golden opportunity’ offered by recent extreme weather conditions. The Department for the Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (Defra) has admitted that severe coastal erosion will certainly lower house prices, increase fish stocks and remove the threat of Jim Davidson appearing in seaside towns.
High tides and huge waves will encourage people off of benefits and on to large floating rafts. The long term unemployed will be given the option to return to work or develop gills. A spokesmen for Environment Secretary Owen Paterson suggested: ‘It will be much easier to implement Defra budget reduction if there is less environment to look after. By removing land from the equation we can solve all our congestion, migration and mooring space problems in one go.’
One Tory activist said: ‘It’s a well known fact that our core Conservatives are substantially more buoyant than the denser, lard-filled working class voter. In the event of a flood, their share of the vote will sink – literally. And the issue of Scottish Nationalism will be limited to those few left huddling for warmth on top Ben Nevis.’
‘Substantial cuts’ to Defra, antagonizing the Gods and the building of an ‘enormous Ark’ are all part of a long term strategy to alleviate the issue of ‘what to do with all the poor people’. By experimenting with Faith Based schools Michael Gove hopes to tempt the wroth of the Old Testament God. Philip Hammond is to appease Poseidon with his commitment to Trident. While David Cameron has agreed to sacrifice Nick Clegg to a disgruntled water spirit from the Orkney islands.