While Fallujah teeters on the brink of defeat, the Iraqi populace were united in their appreciation of being ‘left up s@*t creek’ by the international community. Rather than be troubled by the concept of hope, Iraqis would much prefer the exhilaration of uncertainty, the adrenaline of fear and the sheer buzz of indiscriminate air strikes.
To an average person the civilian exodus from Fallujah may seem like a rout, but to the sophisticated observer it is merely an orderly seasonal migration of 'wailing people'. As one retreating refugee commented: ‘The Iraq war may be over, but it’s a gift that keeps on giving. Yes, 40% of our middle class have fled, our homes are rubble and our infrastructure looks like a Swiss cheese. But on the upside - look at the views! Wide open spaces, families jogging hand in hand...the burning cars. Good times!’
With nearly 3 million Iraqis displaced, you would think that the people might be depressed by the ensuing shortage of food and fuel supplies. ‘Oh no, we couldn’t eat another thing’ replied a representative for Prime Minister Maliki's Shia-led government. ‘Iraq is grateful for this opportunity to shed a few of the lbs we put on over Christmas. In Baghdad we love a good brussel sprout! As for the oil, we are just relived that the US managed help us de-clutter. All those barrels were a real eye sore.’
As al-Qaeda-linked militants and allied tribesmen advance, the people of Iraq have had time to reflect on just how lucky they are. A spokesman for a private security firm said: ‘Iraq is paying for the most expensive protection in the world and any day now, we propose to give it. After all, where else outside of a Paris Hilton home movie can you get shafted in every conceivable direction by guys with night vision goggles? And to the people of Iraq, I say – ‘You’re welcome!’.’