As temperate Britain transforms into a storm battered bastion offset from the ‘continent', British Government are throwing in the very soggy towel.
Despite the Environment Agency and council workers toiling tirelessly over the holidays clearing up mess made by wind and floods, the tide just keeps on coming in.
Decision makers have decided to do away with the tax payer burden that is flood prevention, keeping roads and railways open and keeping the lights on. Cobra declares it more cost effective for families and business in Britain to cut out the middle men and bear the cost of the clear up directly.
Chief ditherer at the Department of Badger Bashing, Pollution and Factory Farms, Lord Eric Etonian–Smythe said:
“We’ve just had a load of floods, things falling over in the wind, and transport chaos. We spent a fortune of taxpayer cash clearing up households and businesses and holding back rivers and seas – but the weather just won’t change. The service we provide clearly isn’t satisfactory.”
Biting his emergency burger the Chancellor added:
"Cash has been splashed on flood defences, sending people out in all weathers with sand bags and pumps, but the tide keeps coming in. Money thrown at the problem is just washed away. We give up. It’s clear nature is in charge and the natural forces of the market will determine the future shape of Britain."
"We will liberate business and homeowners from the financial shackles of funding services that clearly aren’t adequate to protect them from the weather, and waiting for help that doesn’t come. All are now free to get on with looking after themselves. We hereby abolish the Environment Agency, who for years have had the thankless task of stopping the tide from coming in and floodplains from getting wet. We will allow councils to boost their reserves by auctioning off those gully cleaning machine things with brushes and suckers, pumps, brooms and other equipment. Every man, woman and child in the land will be issued with their own hi vis, hard hat and pair of waders. In cases of exceptional need, canoes may be available. We are confident the blitz spirit prevails and thereby empower our citizens to take care of themselves, whatever the weather.”