'Oh Lordy surely you don't want me to tell you my secrets of my daily bouts of wry Facebook self abasement?' wrote Jean Smythe in a tearful thousand word post this morning. Accepting the Facebook Self Depreator of the Year award, she said 'There must be thousands if not millions of people who can explain how comically yet endearingly inept they are at anything from gardening to....well there I go! not finishing a sentence! just as it was getting going! My three beautiful children, (all at university thank god) are driven mad by it!'
Ms Smythe went on to outline the secrets of her success at social network-self-abasement. 'Rule one (and I am one for lists, sorry!)' she told friends, 'is lashings of exclamation marks. I mean lashings!! It's my only vice!!!! And New Zealand Sauvignons, obvs, but I am fussy in that department!!!!!! Whereas with the old shouty button, it's one size fits all!'
I actually had to call the computer man and get him to replace the exclamation mark key on my beloved new computer (A 'scrumped' Apple Mac, actually, thanks to Mr S being the boss at work!!!) And there's another rule you probably have thought of already. Brackets! (How easy they make it to change the subject, but there I go again, and I've scones in the oven so I shouldn't waste time like this! Oops I nearly said buns in the oven!!! That'd surprise the children when they come home from Oxford, Cambridge and....wherever the third one is studying medicine, because ever since she was tiny she wanted to be a doctor. Probably because I went around explaining what 'bun in the oven' actually meant! Hang on should I close brackets here??? Yes indeedy!!)
Rule two. Or three!! (Counting is not my strong suit.) Anyway, next rule: Cliché! There are many excellent books and websites on the subject and I heartily recommend you avail yourself liberally of them, even though it is a bit like cheating. Fill your boots!! But word to the wise! Choose carefully! It's all too easy to plump for a really obvious one when there are some gorgeous 'niche clichés' out there, begging to be used in anger, so to speak. 'Niche cliché!' Almost poetry, but more of a Freudian slip, say I. Anyway. Cliché: Almost as hard to bring off as my brother in law after Sunday lunch that time. But I digress.
Next one: Cooking, driving, wardrobe malfunction, DIY and illness are the main subjects of the old FBSD, but gardening, holidays and small children are also good territory. Main rule, natch, is to not come across twee or smug, so really go for the warts r us effect, give yourself a really hard time, even if does mean gilding the old lily, or rather ungilding it, if you get my drips. But avoid dwelling on blood, death, unmentionable toilet topics or serious injuries, and defects in children once they reach the teen years. Nothing that would frighten the horses, let’s say. That reminds me! Did I check the stables this morning for drinking water? (Well did I???)
Anyway I ceremonially signed for the award this morning, in a moving doorstep ceremony, and you'll never guess! Accepting it from the DHL man (and I am so sorry to have kept him waiting, especially given his eventual ethnicity when finally I got to the door) I ripped open the bubble wrap and boshed the damn thing against the hall stand. Small dent. I am full of remorse. I barely deserve the thing, but this looks like bashing a gift horse in the mouth. (I'm pretty sure I did do the water, btw, so that's all good, though I will go and check. OCD, moi!!!?)
See next post for a list of sincerely grateful 'without whoms' (though I am sure I'll leave someone out!!!) Good luck with your own 'modesty blazers,' but try not to let it tip over into self loathing! And here's a little tip: If in doubt, punctuate (!)
Not sure about the brother in law thing. Too much info? Oh well. Here we go. Press post and damn the consequences!!