In a last ditch effort to win the 2013 “Schism of the Year award” Christians on both sides of the Northern Ireland divide have safeguarded the right to continue warring over who Jesus wants as a sunbeam. Though God is almost certain to once more award Islam the coveted golden Kalashnikov for its long standing Sunni/Shia divide, Northern Ireland has fought back bravely by refusing to rule out further divisions, bloodshed and murder related to who exactly Jesus would want as a sunbeam, should he visit the still-riven province. Both sides concede a visit is unlikely, because of security issues.
Yet both sides fervently agree that the best way to move forward is with flags, paramilitary displays, digging over old conflicts and a ready supply of cut-price balaclavas and acrylic paint for murals, with 3D technology as an option in some areas of a city that nobody can say the name of without someone shouting.
Those who follow the award say the decision to keep a divided education system will stand the sunbeam row in good stead. “Educating our children to hate each from the time they learn to speak, using opposing visions of exactly why all things are bright and beautiful continues to pay off” say clergy on both sides of the debate. “We don’t differ on the fact that the Lord God made them all. But on sunbeam issues there can be no compromise!” a man in black shouted, spittily. The differing interpretations of who exactly Jesus (meek and mild) wants as a sunbeam hasn’t changed in five centuries of dressing up in black clothes and waving stuff about in a way guaranteed to provoke sincere worship and a bit of a punch up, followed by high profile talks at big castles in quite nice countryside stained with the blood of innocents.
The lack of agreement has been hailed by both sides as a Triumph Herald , with sunbeam-watchers looking forward to a chocolate-themed Good Friday Disagreement