Concerns have been voiced by disgruntled parents after new figures revealed that this years’ Santas were the lightest on record. Santas as light as 14 stone have been reported working town centre Grottos leading to an all time low in children’s belief in the white-bearded present-giver.
Inspectors in Hull reported observing one Santa to be ‘A spindly, acne-ridden youth, wearing a grubby Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles T-shirt and an orange bobble hat.’
Parents countrywide have already started a protest group, calling for tax breaks and free training for ageing, overweight men with ‘the ability to wear a fake beard and look paedophilic in a reassuringly placid way.’ The movement has already gained support from Secretary of State for Communities, Eric Pickles, who signed up for training immediately and is expecting to be appointed as the new Minister for Fat Santas shortly.
Group leader, Mark Jackson, stated: ‘It is wholly unacceptable for children to be exposed to such low weight Santas at this stage in their childhood. Santa is a fat bastard, everyone knows that. These poor children are turning up and being subjected to nothing less than assault by knobbly knees.’
‘Not to mention that my kid keeps saying that I’m fatter than Santa now after visiting Syd ‘The Rake’ Sykes in our Grotto in Bethnal Green. My boy went in to ask for a new scooter and came out without his bike, but that’s standard round here.’
The Annual Santas Report indicates a 30% decrease in Santa flab, despite growing concerns over UK obesity levels in children. Primary Investigator, Stuart McGee, surmised: ‘The report supports the commonly-held notion that fat people are too lazy to get off their backside. But we were rather surprised to discover that thin people appear to be too lazy to stick a cushion up their fronts.’
Other findings in the report show that the gender divide is still gaping, with only 3% of Santas portrayed by a woman, whilst 7% fell into the category ‘hard to tell, but bosom present.’
However, the Thin Santas Association was delighted by the results. ‘Our best year yet - and what better way to promote healthy living than to show how seriously Santa is taking it. So sign up for our yearly gym membership today and you too could be thin like Santa!’
Mark Jackson is unimpressed by the approach, and blasted the TSA: ‘Christmas used to be about fat Santas giving presents to small children in return for a good knee-sitting. But sadly there are always companies out there trying to exploit Christmas for commercial gain.’