Thousands of people across Britain have explained how ‘knackered and broke’ they are this week, whilst being herded into single-file queues by shopping mall security staff in the early hours of the morning.
‘After spending thousands of pounds on presents, food and booze, I’m now facing financial ruin, and will be signing into a debt management plan in the new year’, said shopper Emma Jones, fighting off gale-force winds and driving rain outside Next at 5am this morning. ‘My house is now littered with extra crap that relatives and friends have bought me, so naturally my next move is to brave the storms to buy more. You haven’t got a spare tenner, have you?’
Retailers, who have forecasted bumper post-Christmas profits, have said they will be offering ‘record low prices’ on all items essential for daily living, including frilly cushions, diving watches and Art Deco salt and pepper shakers.
Liverpool One shopper, Caroline Sheppard, said, ‘Christmas is so tiring, not to mention expensive. All I want to do just is kick back, relax, pop on a DVD and recharge my batteries for 2014. But first I must wake my children up at 3am, call the bank to extend the limit on my Visa, and hit the shops to buy one more of everything I already own. Yes, I do need two flannel racks for my downstairs toilet, what sort of person do you think I am?’
BHS Shop assistant, Tim Ankers, said; ‘I see them in here every year, throwing novelty bottle openers and decorative lamps in their baskets, whilst moaning that they’re ‘penniless and depressed’. I don’t personally understand that. It’s a bit like punching yourself in the testicles because you’ve got a headache’.
He added; ‘Technically none of the crap in here is reduced anyway, we just add 20% on all items leading up to Christmas, and then reduce them by 15% for the following month. I kind of feel sorry for them in a way. Now if you don't mind, the boss needs me to go and mark-up these funky Homer Simpson beanbags by 30%, so I can reduce them by 10% in time for January'.