We reserve the right to increase the premium by any amount at each renewal. If you do not notice the increase for a period of time, tough shit and no you can’t have a refund.
Now that we have you, the cancellation fee has been increased from £12.50 to £875.
To improve customer service we have replaced our Freephone customer service number with a special customer hotline on 0800 100 100. Calls are charge at £15 per minute and there is a 10 minute preamble where we welcome you, tell you about calls being recorded, ask you to enter various items of data (which are immediately discarded) and then pass you through 11 different menus and 19 sub-menus. Finally you will be connected to Reginald in Mumbai who has nice trousers but speaks English with a completely unintelligible accent.
In line with our commitment to saving the planet we will no longer be sending out paper statements or indeed letters of any kind. Please can you set up a mobile number / email address where we can text / mail you with your statements and numerous other offers to your benefit. Please ring the special customer hotline to set up your contact details. If you do not have a computer or mobile phone please can you buy one or go away.
Customers are always telling us how much they enjoy the wonderful special partner offers we offer them periodically ever day. However your privacy is very important to us. If you do not want us to pass your mobile number, email address or bank account details to foreign criminals please can you inform Alan the Shepherd, who tends goats on a remote Cumberland hillside. Please take items of identification with you, including your driving licence and full genetic code.
You are responsible for the security of your password and pin number. Do not write them down and, if you commit them to memory, do not sleep with anyone else including members of your own family, in case you reveal them in your sleep. We will not be responsible for any theft from your account if you are unable to prove conclusively that you have followed these precautions.
By throwing this letter in the bin unopened you are deemed to have accepted all terms and conditions in full. If you do not wish to accept them please ring the special customer hotline and have your bank account details to hand to pay the cancellation fee. You have the right to complain but please note that all complaints are rejected unless they get any press or media publicity in which case we cave in immediately, send you a bunch of flowers and a couple of hundred quid compo.