British revellers have decided that increasing the cost of train tickets is more in keeping with a New Year's Eve than any old Scottish poem. At the stroke of midnight, commuters will link hand in hand to celebrate friendship, permanence and the need to re-mortgage their house.
Thousands of people plan to gather in Waterloo station to watch departures board show multiple delays from the start of 2014. One traveller said: 'There is something reassuring about an annual inflation-busting price rise. You can forget old acquaintances but no one can forget their oyster card. Who would prefer cup of kindness to an exorbitant buffet cart tea?'
Northern homes will be visited by 'first footers' bearing lumps of coal; symbolic of a steam age when the trains ran on time. Meantime, a spokesman for the Department of Transport said the higher fares would guarantee: '...rail modernisation, an excess of party poppers and a snog from a random ticket inspector.' While the average passenger continues to make the same New Year's resolution to find a spare seat, sell a kidney, and learn to cycle.