After months of tense negotiations, God and Santa Claus have agreed to job-share. At a hastily convened press-call, yesterday, both men outlined their plans for working less and relaxing more.
“Creating the universe was the busiest six days I’ve ever had”, God admitted, “but I’ve eased up since then. I don’t even bother with the maintenance programme any more, which is why the weather’s gone to hell in a handcart lately.
“Blind faith gets a bad press these days, and there’s an awful lot of atheists about. I’ve got plans for Dawkins. Put it this way: he won’t need to take an extra sweater where he’s going. A lot of the so-called ‘believers’ aren’t much better. I have all their prayers pre-screened by my staff these days; 95% of the prayers are just kids wanting an iPad for Christmas, or football fans asking me to make sure their team wins. Like I should care! Let me set the record straight: I am not a football fan, I support Aston Villa. Even people praying for a loved one are wasting their time and mine. Sorry to be so blunt, but I created war, famine, disease and pestilence, so the fact that some kid has cancer is not going to keep me awake at night.
“I’m planning to cut my hours right back, starting now. Instead of moving in mysterious ways - which was always very tiring - I’m going to stop and smell the roses.”
Santa Claus acknowledged that the present-giving business was bigger than ever. “It’s gone crazy”, he said. But now that Amazon are planning to deliver by drone, there isn’t such a big demand for a fat man with a beard to make house-calls. “They don’t build houses with chimneys any more, and last week the police mistook me for Rolf Harris and Tasered me. Now my hands shake so much that I can’t even wrap the children’s presents properly. If you haven’t got your elf, what have you got?
“There isn’t enough work to keep two fictional people busy. So, from now on, God and I are going to share the workload: week on, then a week off. It’s his son’s birthday next week, so it’s time for him to put his feet up”...