A report undertaken by the Department of Health has shown that the majority of people in their mid-twenties are still not feeling the magic of the festive season despite the worrying proximity to Christmas Day. A study into whimpering twentysomethings returned home to get their clothes ironed has shown that 75% 'don't feel any different to normal' and as much as 89% expect to sleep soundly on Christmas eve.
Accounts by many twenty-odders suggest it is a problem that worsens year on year. Steven McCafferty of Aberdeen, who took part in the study says "Last Christmas I was hungover and had to help my Mum with the washing up because she had done her back in and it was like going to Eurodisney and seeing Mickey Mouse sat with his big fake head off, having a fag and arguing with his girlfriend on his mobile. So this time I've been wearing one of those paper crown things since October but still nothing, '
Doctors recommend that those afflicted should do their best to regress into a state of pre-adolescence by opening advent calendars on the correct days, posting a christmas list and watching the first two Home Alone films but warn that under no circumstances should 3 & 4 be viewed.
Common symptoms include: receiving inexpensive but practical gifts from your parents; deciding amongst your friends not to get Christmas presents just because its easier that way; a general sense of malaise while watching Only Fools and Horses and standing in front of your house driving a remote control up and down the street with the feeling childhood has receded beyond your grasp forever with nothing but a lifetime of office-based tedium looming ahead of you like a long siberian winter.