A new UK firm, named 'Local Driver', has begun offering follow-up driving courses to those who have just gained their full UK driving licence.
The Staffordshire start-up provides a one-week intensive course in driving 'like you've been doing it for years'. 'We quite literally teach people to drive like a local,' said managing director Keith Fitch.
The firm claims to take just two hours to get new licence holders to drive 'like their indicators are broken', and that a complete course will get customers driving with a total disregard for amber traffic lights, zebra crossings and speed bumps.
'Everyone has seen that woman in the supermarket car park, slowly feeding the steering wheel from hand to hand whilst trying in vain to park her Micra in a space the size of a school bus,' said Mr Fitch. 'Those people have clearly never learned to let go of the rigid rules that their driving indoctrination gave them, but we can fix them. If you don't cross your hands on the wheel, and can't pretend you don't have wing mirrors, then you'll never manage to park in that tight space by the lift with the bollard on one side and the concrete pillar on the other that no-one else bothers with because of the severe bodywork damage done to your car.'
The £400 course covers topics that the official Driving Standards Agency test steers clear of, such as 'jamming the anchors on for a speed trap', 'being first away at the lights' and 'doggedly risking the front offside wing, and people's lives, by inching your nose out into heavy traffic despite them clearly not wanting to let you in'.
'The section on parking like a tosser is a corker, because we've thought of bloody everything,' says Fitch, 'from parking in front of people's driveways to save you three extra steps when nipping to the shop, right up to the classic nearly-but-not-quite using two bays in the car park. You don't get a parking fine, but you can still get in and out of the driver's side really easily.'
'People usually pick up all kinds of bad habits from their driving instructors,' he explained, 'and whilst that might sneak you a pass in the official DSA test, you're going to fail out in the real world. If you can't find the horn less than a second after that moron in the Astra with the body kit cuts you up, or if you don't already drive like you're being towed by the car in front, then our course is just right for you. Our company motto sums it all up - drive like a twat, it's as simple as that!'