Despite strong competition from Alastor ‘Mad-Eye’ Moody, Heather ‘show me the money’ Mills has been crowned ‘Most Chilling Pegleg Aficionado - 2013’. When not assaulting High Court lawyers or members of the International Paralympic Committee (IPC), Ms. Mills likes nothing more than to unwind with paranoid vendettas against Beatles, the Press and great white whales.
One fearful reporter said: ‘While Peter Cook tried to redefine the unidexter as an affable buffoon, classical literature paints a very different picture. Despite having better parking spaces, a £25m divorce settlement and twice as many socks as the rest of us, Ms. Mills continues her reign of terror by endorsing nut cutlets, hugging puppies and Dancing with the Stars. As George Orwell said – Four legs good, two legs bad...one leg disturbing!’
IPC head Sylvana Mestre is adamant that the World Cup medallist is a World Class mentalist. The IPC released a statement: ‘In 2008 when Justice Bennett labelled Mills as a ‘less than impressive witness’ he forgot to mention ‘bat s@*t crazy’ in his final address. Ironically labelled by The Sun as a ‘Liar’ and a ‘Fantasist’, rumours still persist that when the moon is full on the 13th of every month you can see her missing appendage wandering the moors like a deranged pogo stick.’