In their pursuit to fill the vacancy left by Sunday's X-Factor winner, Sam Bailey, HMP Gartree in Leicestershire has announced plans to scrap its traditional hiring polices and instead host the UK's first ever 'Screw Factor'.
Bosses at the category B men's prison have said they were inspired to adopt the more modern and glitzy approach after watching their former employee hit the big time on ITV. The unique competition has already seen over 3,000 entrants apply, all hopeful of securing the coveted £23,000-per-year position.
Sam Bailey, who won a one million pound record deal with Sharon Osbourne, a Christmas number one spot and probably a book deal, said: 'I think what they're doing at the prison is great. I'm on a bit of a roll right now, so I might actually enter it myself'.
Andrew Thomas, Chief Officer at the Midlands-based prison, who will be offering the lucky winner £23,000-per-year, a decent pension - matched - and 22-days paid holiday, said: 'It's a decent package. Okay, it's not quite a record deal with Gary Barlow, but it's not to be sniffed at. It's tough out there'.
He added; 'Contestants will be judged on their truncheon wielding ability, the legibility of their handwriting on health and safety forms, and the effective retrieving of shanks from really large and angry men. I'm proud to have been named as one of the expert judges on the panel, along with a couple of government officials, a retired policeman, and for reasons not immediately clear to me, Amanda Holden. It's really exciting'.
Set to be held in Market Harborough Town Hall, Screw Factor has a closing date of January 17th, and will accept applications via email, providing the CVs and cover letters are correctly attached.
'I suppose I'm a little like Simon Cowell in a way', concluded Andrew, 'we both look to take the most disillusioned and dangerous off the streets to give mainstream society a break for a few months. Plus I wear my trousers really high and I'm a narcissistic bastard'.
Jesus H, with expert input from Katewritesstuff