The tragic death of beloved national wall-sitter H.Dumpty was "not a conspiracy" ruled the Pipersson Inquiry today, in a summary of its findings later to be released in a four line verse at a cost to the taxpayer of an estimated £4.5 million.
The Chair of the Inquiry, Lord Tom T.Pipersson QC, ruled that, in spite of the unexplained presence on the scene of large numbers of "Horses and Men" attached to the Royal Household, the sudden death of Dumpty was entirely a tragic accident.
The six month inquiry has called over 300 witnesses including a shadowy figure known only as "the Muffin Man" who answered all questions with only a confirmation of his address in London WC2. This was followed by a string of loud and repeated denials of involvement in anything by landscape gardener Mary Mary.
A dramatic moment came with the cross-examination of a member of a secret three member squad known only as "Blind Mouse C". Under tense questioning by Pipersson, C denied any involvement in the affair:
PIPERSSON: Do you know the Muffin Man?
C: The Muffin Man?
PIPERSSON: The Muffin Man.
C: Do I know the Muffin Man?
PIPERSSON: He lives down Drury Lane
At that moment C's testimony was cut short by a violent attack by a married yet disturbed lady from Suffolk wielding a razor sharp kitchen implement. In incidents which investigating officers say were "Unlinked" Mouse A and Mouse B were the subject of identical and simultaneous attacks.
Other unexplained incidents involving witnesses included the Peak District hill-walking accident of witness "Jack" and life-partner "Jill" and the refusal of a Ms Tuffet to give evidence because of a large tarantula allegedly nesting in the witness box.The probity of the inquiry was further called into question following the alleged involvement of Lord Pipersson in business irregularities involving porcine livestock.
The Conclusion of the Pipersson Inquiry coincides with the opening of the Cock Robin inquiry next week and Boris Johnson's long-awaited investigation into the structural deficiencies of London Bridge. For many, however the death of the figure described by then Prime Minister Tony Blair as "The people's egg" remains an open case.