US Homicide detectives are noted for their ability to solve crimes using advanced forensic science, hunches and male grooming, but in a recent survey their parking skills came bottom of the league, below teenage girls and that Welsh woman off Dangerous Drivers School.
In a joint US-UK initiative, America’s top ‘tecs will be taught how to parallel park, ‘feed the wheel’ and the correct way to put on driving gloves, by Top Gear’s James May.
“When somebody’s being held hostage by a psychopath what’s more important – getting to the scene before he cuts her throat or making pretty damn sure you haven’t caused an obstruction? I know what my answer would be”, said May.
“I’ve seen the way these guys arrive at crime scenes and it’s crazy. They all park at different angles; reversing out afterwards must be a nightmare, I’d be stuck there for days. Nobody can leave until the selfish guy with the best hair has moved his car, because he always parks slap bang in the middle of all the madness, and then walks around the building making wisecracks. Goodness knows how much overtime it must cost - the first chaps on the scene can’t get away until they’ve all moved”
A spokesman for the FBI told reporters “We’re really grateful that the UK is loaning James to us for a while. He’s amazing. Our crime scenes are looking better already, emergency vehicles can get close up to the building and we don’t block the road like we used to. And since we started to keep hand sanitising gel in our cars we’ve had a lot less sick leave.
"I just wish he’d left his partner behind. That Clarkson dude gets right on everybody’s tits. We gave Clarkson three cavity searches already - his ass, his head and his soul - but they all came up empty, apart from his ass, where we found Richard Hammond's tongue".