Officials from Westminster Council today announced the launch of a new scheme to reduce parking congestion by using zombies. The ‘Residents’ Evil’ parking scheme will be introduced in seven districts this month, and a roll out to the rest of the borough is planned for January 2014. During the day, parking enforcement officials will patrol the streets as usual, but during the hours of darkness, hideous, brain-eating zombies will be let out of a nearby council compound and allowed to stagger shambolically up and down the London borough’s streets.
Kevin Gilchrist, Westminster’s Assistant Director for Parking, Litter, and Undead Enforcement said, “The demand for parking in Westminster is ever increasing. With the limited amount of safe on-street parking spaces available, we believe residents should have priority in parking near their home. We have allocated specific spaces in which only residents can park using a resident parking permit. Outside of these spaces, which will be located in protected bays, zombies will be deployed to combat unauthorised parking. Applications for permits have gone up by 450%, although we do believe that the complementary shotgun and crossbow you get with every permit may have something to do with demand.”
Westminster Council is anticipating a significant reduction in congestion, as well as a large increase in opportunities for employment. People caught breaking parking rules will be given the opportunity to join the scheme by becoming NEET (newly extinguished enforcement team), in an innovative approach to reduce worklessness.
Arthur Gregson of the Non-Living Support Network decried the council’s approach as “yet another blatant attempt to abuse the non-living as free labour, which will only serve to worsen their lot and further harm their integration into society. Zombies are a non-unionised workforce, often happy to work on zero hour contracts, provided they can eat what they catch.” He accused Westminster to buying into the government’s ‘strivers, shirkers, and shamblers’ rhetoric, and of not putting the needs of the recently deceased before their economic contribution to society.
Jane Tomlinson, manager of the local Wetherspoons, told us: “It’s killing my business. I have to close the bar as soon as it starts getting dark, as it’s impossible to tell the difference between my usuals and these zombies. You’d at least think the council would issue them a hi-vis jacket or something.”
Londoner Kelly-Jade Williams is positive about the move. “It’s impossible to park round here. Every time I visit the chicken shop, the roads are clogged. And they are charging, like, £4.50 for a chicken burger and chips. Fair play to the council for doing something about it. And it’s solved the rat problem.”
This policy is being supported by a change in planning legislation to make it easier for homeowners to build barricades surrounding their properties made out of barbed wire, burned out cars and wooden crates by cutting the target time for approving applications from eight weeks to five, giving a much needed boost to the local economy.