WASHINGTON — Security guards in the Robert F. Kennedy Department of Justice Building have found what appear to be self-inflicted wounds on the Spirit of Justice this morning, during a routine inspection of her and her counterpart, Majesty Law.
“She’s been unhappy for a long time,” said Justin Icia, the guard who first found the marks on the inner forearms of the cast aluminum statue, “but I never thought she’d be capable of something like this. Partially,” he added, “because, you know, she’s all metal and stuff.”
After further questioning, it has been revealed that night shift guards have developed the habit of letting the statue borrow their smart phones, and most believe the access to information has caused her downward spiral.
“When I first lent her my phone she just wanted to play Angry Birds,” said Guiseppe Equita, another night shift guard close to the sculpture, “but soon she discovered the internet, and as you might guess, she immediately started looking into the part of the American political system that she represents.”
Guards agree, it was at this point that Lady Justice began to act despondent.
“But a particular turning point occurred just a few days ago, when she read about the ‘Affluenza’ case in Texas,” continued Icia, “when she read about that rich kid who got off literally just for being rich, I saw her cover up her exposed breast with her toga and look around, like she suddenly felt ashamed.”
Equita was working last night, and was the last to see her before the self-harm discovery this morning. He recalls the partially disrobed statue asking for a pair of scissors, but thought nothing of it at the time.
“I just thought she wanted to do some arts and crafts,” he said, looking down at his folded hands, “that always makes me feel better when I’m bummed out.”
A team of master sculptors have been called in to repair the statue’s arms, as well as a team of psychiatrists to deal with mental trauma associated with the incident.
In related news, Majesty Law was found this morning wearing thigh-high leather boots, a mesh top, and cheap, heavy makeup. More on that as the story unfolds.