The National Crime Agency has reported a sharp increase in people seeking Witness Protection following the execution of a Korean politician for failing to applaud his nephew vigorously enough.
One such case is ‘Gary’ (not his real name), who fell asleep during his 8 year old nephew’s performance as Joseph in the school nativity play. His voice has been disguised, which seems pretty pointless as this is a print medium, but here goes.
“I wasn’t really looking forward to it, tell the truth. I’ve got three kids of my own, and there’s only so many ways you can tell the Nativity story. But my sister insisted I turn out, because her precious son had landed the role of Joseph.
“All I remember is waking up startled, and finding that everybody else was standing and clapping. Now I can’t sleep at nights, ironically, I keep asking ‘what if he grows up to become a gangland kingpin, or leader of the Liberal Democrats?’ It’s terrifying”.
A spokesman for the National Crime Agency said that relocation and identity replacement was a last resort, as these are usually very expensive, although “we’ve started locating people in Burnley, and property there is so cheap that we often make a profit. Of course, if you already live in Burnley and you diss your nephew then you’re pretty much stuffed”.