By 2025 the UK will double its annual funding for dementia studies but only on the understanding that no attempt will be made to remind voters of the last three years of government. David Cameron has promised £132m, provided no one mentions his failure to reform the banking industry, his inappropriate ‘selfie’ at Mandela’s funeral or his life size Nick Clegg doll.
The Care Quality Commission (CQC) will now monitor dementia sufferers through a series of cognitive tests, including flashcards containing Coalition policy. One CQC inspector revealed: ‘If patients mistakenly identify photos of George Osborne as ‘the smug paperboy’ then the centre is fully funded. But if they accurately refer to him as a ‘colossal numpty who has put 40,000 firms out of business’, then the money goes elsewhere’.
Alzheimer's Research UK has admitted that the one ‘upside’ of degenerative mental illness is forgetting that the public sector is being destroyed, that Ed Miliband may be our only hope or what a ‘fatuous nincompoop’ Michael Gove really is. A Government spokesman said: ‘Many elderly voters are blissfully unaware of the erosion of worker’s rights, the shortage of affordable housing shortage or the fact that someone’s turned the heating off. Before we plough too much money into a cure for dementia, wouldn’t you prefer to be stuck in a time when England could still win the cricket, MP’s were paid less than footballers and Iain Duncan Smith was nowhere near the cabinet?’