After it emerged the sign language interpreter used for Nelson Mandela's memorial was a fake, David Cameron is said to be considering employing him for the next election. It is thought he will use him to make up policies for deaf voters.
"This is a great chance to keep everyone happy," the prime minister explained. "It means I can tell the hard line members of my party that we are going to use ATOS to cut all funding for deaf people, yet he will be telling deaf people god knows what, maybe what happened in last night's Eastenders or something. I don't even think he knows."
For all other unpopular polices, or as he is planning on calling them, the Tory Manifesto, they will be released in leaflet form, except for the policy to cut all benefits to blind people and make sure they are all declared fit for work. That will be released to the blind through a Braille email.