Google CEO Larry Page and Pope Francis have joined forces to create Google SoulView, an Android and iPad app which analyses a person’s search history and suggests a suitable penance.
“Basically, most internet users are going to Hell”, said Page. “You should see the filth we have to wade through every day. I’m talking to you, Arthur Bennett of Westfield Terrace, searching repeatedly for “hot nurse bending over in short dress”. Or you, Patrick Jenn of Islington, searching for “schoolgirl with big jugs in PE kit”. You people make me sick”.
Pope Francis has offered the webwanking community absolution through the app, as long as they express contrition by ticking the box labelled “I accept the terms of contrition listed above” and say the required number of Hail Marys.
Page denied “playing God”, adding that all he wanted to do was to use Google as a force for good. “We’ve also been approached by Santa, asking us who should be on the Naughty List. Unfortunately, that’s every male except Sir Cliff Richard. Sorry”.