An independent report has found that almost all of British teens are obese.
The report was conducted by 6 stone Amanda Taylor, a recovering bulimia sufferer and now Chairman of the 'Sexy Sexy Shhh Team' (SSST), which has looked at eating trends across the country.
One such obese child, 14 year old Amelia Grey, barely fit into a six 6 dress.
"God knows how she did it, bitch" said Taylor, "She probably doesn't even own the dress, total tramp, and I watched her drink full fat coke the other day."
The findings have stunned local authorities who have now removed all carbohydrates from school meals, saving around £120m per year. The typical school plate will now feature two ice cubes, a half a bell pepper, and a can of non-descript energy drink.
A member of public tweeted, "I can't remember the last fat school child I saw, many of them look like they haven't eaten in weeks".
His account was shut down on grounds of suspected paedophobia, tweeted an anonymous wellwisher and friend who only had one Tweet on record and shut his account down immediately upon tweeting his message.