The UK Foreign Office has advised all members of the Fellowship of the Ring to avoid visiting the land of Rudolf Nureyev. There are fears that the country's toughening laws on homosexuality will extend to ‘fruity wizards’, ‘effete elves’ and ‘dwarves in sailor suits’.
Scientists in Moscow have confirmed that: ‘Sexual orientation is determined by early exposure to fantasy novels and retired members of the RSC. British literary heroes have long been sending subliminal messages to the resolute peoples of Russia for us to grasp Harry Potter’s wand and come out of the Narnia closet’.
The Ministry of Foreign Affairs has stated a preference for ‘butch’ Nazguls and their ‘utterly heterosexual’ ring fixation. A spokesman said: ‘While we respect Sir Ian McKellen’s right to mince around the Shire, the Russian Federation is staunchly behind muscular orcs. With their strong green arms, flowing matted locks and come-to-bed squint – they embody Russian family values.’ As yet, Vladimir Putin’s has refused to get drawn on the Dumbledore debate, but this may be in part due to his cameo role in the films as Dobby the House Elf.