A new study involving 10,000 men has reached startling conclusions about modern masculinity.
The report - Genderquake: Are Men in Crisis? - was the biggest marching-based study of its kind to be conducted by a member of the aristocracy. It reveals that some fascinating insights into the mindset of the bleaker sex.
Analysts have categorised the findings into three major areas of discovery. Using highly sophisticated data analysis three patterns emerged. Firstly, when men are up, they are up. However, data scientists were staggered to discover that, the same sample showed an almost completely contradictory set of responses, which led them to conclude that When they were down, they were down.
But there were to be more surprises. Using Splunk analytical tools, on a Hadoop platform, Grand Old Duke of Research's team of crack data scientists ran further queries against the 10,000 manly responses. The pattern that emerged shook them to their core and made them question everything they'd ever taken for granted about the XY chromasomal pairing and its capacity for genetic variation. Not only were men up when they were up, and when they were down they were down, but the research uncovered another undiscovered aspect of the human condition. Lead researcher Pari Davies explains. "Of 10,00 men quizzed, a staggering 100 per cent confessed that when they are only half way up, they are neither up or down."
Though hailed in some quarters as a major scientific breakthrough, the news came as no surprise to human condition expert Janet Street Porter. "Ohhh, pur-lease," said Porter, "Do me a favour. Who cares about some middle aged middle class mediocre middle males. Unless they are Elton John or the Pet Shop Boys. In which case they're fascinating."
But Yasmin Alibhai Brown was taking the findings very seriously. "Doesn't this just show that men are all completely hopless and deserve everything that's coming to them?"
However Ruby Wax was more sympathetic...