Mike Jones, a 68 year-old car salesman from Manchester, has - for the 40th time - been forced to revise the invitee list for his 'Ideal' dinner party following the death of Nelson Mandela.
'I started the list as a youngster in 1961 and made my first alteration in 1962 when Marilyn Monroe died and I decided to substitute Diana Dors, and of course had to make another substitution when she died in 1984. I then went for Joanna Lumley and am pleased to say she is still with us, but as the years go-on realise she will be difficult to cook for and might switch her for Amanda Holden even before Joanna conks-out.'
'John Wayne really let me down when he died, but not of-course as much as Elvis. I am convinced that he died deliberately to avoid having a non-burger meal with me, as I would serve-up a chicken kiev feast from Iceland - or possibly Lidl. My decision to swap John Wayne for John Barrowman may, retrospectively, prove to be flawed, but saved me a bit of ink on the guest list.'
Princess Diana's exit from my list was completely out of the blue. I would have loved to ask her about her life and whether she enjoyed my homemade prawn cocktail starter, but sadly Henri Paul unjustly prevented me from that pleasure, probably because I wasn't serving horse meat. Replacing her with Fergie was probably a mistake.'
'I know that almost everyone would invite The Dalai Lama to their ideal dinner party but he didn't even reply to my Facebook and Twitter invites, so he can get stuffed and go hungry - and drink his own piss, which he probably enjoys - the ungrateful bastard. He's turning up his nose at a free glass of Blue Nun, which to be fair does taste like piss.'
'The current list is looking a little shabby' admitted Jones 'Joanna is still welcome, but Amanda would be preferable, Barrowman is quite-frankly not welcome but would probably turn-up to grab a free meal, Fergie would turn-up for a free drink especially as he has the time since he is not managing Manchester United anymore and instead of Nelson Mandela I would have to invite Jim Davidson - he does a cracking impression of Madiba, or "Chalky" as he calls him.'