Britain is faced with a massive clear up operation today after Nigella “The Hoover” Lawson suffered a chronic sneezing bout. What started out as a minor nasal irritation at Isleworth Crown Court rapidly developed into a full blown evacuation after Nigella emerged from the ladies room where she claimed to have been ‘powdering her nose’.
The disturbance rattled blinds before exiting courtroom No 1 and moving out into the North Sea where it underwent “explosive cyclogenesis”. This was due, in part, to the ‘Butterfly Effect, an intrinsically chaotic process by which a junkie’s sneeze in Islington can trigger above average rainfall in Denmark.
As the storm system deepened, flood warnings were issued and the A41 was closed for a time due to a build up of mucus. In East Anglia, a driver was hospitalised after his high-sided vehicle was knocked over by a chunk of Ms Lawson’s septum. Not all the consequences were negative, however. Children across the Midlands enjoyed a productive day of kite-flying and a 42 year-old man in Blackpool was relieved of his hangover after a brisk walk along the promenade.
Although Ms Lawson has since denied the sneeze was the result of substance abuse, scientists point to an increase in extreme weather events since she her marriage to Charles Saatchi. Computer models indicate humanity could face a bleak future unless Ms Lawson takes drastic steps to “get her shit together”.
Met Office weather hunk Tomasz Schafernaker said, “Britain is currently experiencing some of the worst gales since the Great Storm of 1987, in which 27 died after Daniella Westbrook snorted ten grams of sherbet at a party in Shoreditch. We are advising people not to travel unless they’re as high as a kite.’
Last night schools in England and Wales announced they would be closing due to a dusting of snow with a street value of three million pounds.