Top brand L'Oreal is the latest manufacturer to take their products into the realms of 'extreme makeup', pushing the beauty industry to breaking point according to world renowned makeup artist Gucci Westman.
The international celebrity beautician says that womankind’s inexplicable desire for 'longer looking lashes' has created some of the most outlandish products in recent years. 'Makeup used to be a simple surface coating, designed to highlight and beautify,' said Ms Westman during a TV makeover show, 'but now they've gone too far, with some mascaras being responsible for accidental stabbings and can even, in the case of Maybelline's 'super-lengthening-elastopolymer-with-a-unique-special-lash-wand', become a pedestrian trip hazard.'
Ms Westman is now pushing for makeup producers to bring honesty back to the business, claiming that false advertising is rife. 'If you look like a model when you're fresh-faced, then you'll still look like a model when you've got makeup on. If you look like a housewife then – surprise, surprise – you won't ever look like a model, no matter how much you trowel it on,' she admitted. 'Just look at 'extreme housewife' Katie Price. She's got so much old makeup still adhered to her face that it's three inches wider than it used to be, and it isn't making her look any prettier. It does explaining her overt big-headedness though.'
'Now L'Oreal is trying to get women to have even smoother, more plumped-up skin than they already do, claiming they'll see a difference within the space of three weeks,' she said. 'They can get the same effect in a couple of days simply by eating a family pack of pork pies, and not just on their face either.'
Manufacturers have responded angrily to Gucci Westman's TV outburst, with Revlon terminating her lucrative sponsorship contract and workers at French company Lancôme reportedly going on strike in disgust. She remains resolute in her stance, saying that she hopes to gain the support of women worldwide. Women worldwide have, however, told her to 'shove it' following the release of L'Oreal's most extreme product yet.
'I don't know about you,' said one makeup fanatic, 'but I can't wait to get my hands on L'Oreal's new instant internal anal bleaching paste, with dual-headed applicator sponge, thick latex gloves, goggles and gum shield. My husband says it's an unnecessary expense for something that no-one ever sees, but he had to cave in when I pulled puppy-dog eyes and asked him if he thought I wasn't worth it. That old trick works every bloody time.'